5 years… A lot happens in 5 years… 5 years is 60 months… 260 weeks… 1,825 days… 43,800 hours… 2,628,000 minutes…
You can pay off a car loan in 5 years, obtain a college degree, have a son grow to 4 years old…
For many, today is about church and egg hunts and Easter eggs and chocolate. For me, its about 5 years.
Five years ago today, I lost one of my best friends. For reasons I will never understand, my brother decided to end his life. I didn’t even know about the pain that he was feeling. I didn’t know that he was hurting, hurting so bad that he felt he had no other option. I wish, I have wished over and over for the past 5 years, that he would have reached out, that he would have told someone. That he would have found help.The grief, the pain that comes after experiencing the death of someone close to you is often times unbearable but suicide brings with it a pain that is indescribable. Only those that are a part of the club, a club whose membership I would wish on no one, can fully understand what I mean.
I was lucky. Five years ago today, I was pregnant, looking forward to having a new little boy to add to our little family. Without that, without knowing that I had a new little life dependent on me, I am not sure how I would have pulled through.
I struggled for a long time with how to deal with how I felt about my brothers death and often ended up bottling it up inside, keeping it hidden from the world around me. It wasn’t until I began my undergraduate program in art that I found a way to deal with what was going on inside my heart in a way that made sense to me and felt productive, like it was helping.
This series from a black and white film class is one that was particularly healing for me. The assignment was to create a series of photographs that went along with some form of text. When it was done, I felt like I had used my heart to draw the photographs. A little bit of me on the page and a little less pain in my heart.
We will be having time spent with family today, enjoying good food, Easter eggs, chocolate… all the good stuff. I just will have 5 years on my mind, on my heart, as well.
**If you or anyone that you know is thinking about suicide, please reach out. There are many people around you that care and can help you if given the opportunity. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline has folks on the other line waiting to talk to you, to help you, 800-273-TALK. Please, reach out.**
Dave Matthews Band